ihavenoeyebrows

I think It's typical of me, to use such sites as an oppurtunity to vent. From being 14 and being the person I was then, and now. Not much has changed in perspective. I'm still Richard, the stupid naive cunt. I still have the optimism, that seems to fail me in all aspects of life. I always expect and plan change. I think how much of myself is self-destructive, Iam the human cannonball. Iam the gutterwater.
As dismal as I may seem, I shouldn't complain, infact it's the happiest I've been in a while. Even though happy for me, means probablly normal sub normal Thinks arn't or weren't desolate.
    As I grew up I remember how things were, when I had a considerable self-esteem. And how now, rarely I do things that may attract attention, everything is muted.  I hate how everything I do, isolates me. From myself and others, I still think about it every day. Stop, stop, stop. "Bombs, drop at my feet throw them back".  At what I don't know what I'm fighting anymore, It's like Im running eternally, myself or various illnesses. I could have IBS or coeliac's disease. If I have either one, I can forsee myself reverting. EDNOS. 
  I think everything I do, inside, externally. All my actions interpret the loneliness. I come across so melodramatic in each of these posts, everytime with something more heavy. I now, almost refuse to express myself unless I've had a few drinks. I miss purging, I miss smoking twenty fucking cigs a day. I miss seeing people. I miss being who Iam, im not an ED, and I'm not sorrowseaking. but guh.

Im also in love with Patrick Wolf.

I'm in a sad  music mood. I feel like everything in my head is unravelling so painfully, Do you know tonight. Everyone will be getting drunk, and it seems no-one actually gives two shits. If someone gave me 500 pounds right now. I'd catch the next flight where-ever. Pack up my bags, light a cigarette and set on my way.

I know I give, and I give again. But when does monotony, and where does it lead to, happiness? When people piss over logic and loyalty. Where do you go next? When is enough enough?

I want control. And I know but don't want to go back, there.

There is something obviously apparent when a depressive episode is going to occur. Its the impending sense of doom on relationships. The vital sense of actually giving two shits about people, just fades. And, the narcissm makes me admit I do alot for people. But people are shit, hypocrites, full of indescrepencies.

You say you don't like racism, people spout out more "paki,paki,nigg.." disguisting. And with everyday I spend with these people, the closer I come to either killing them, or letting part of me die. I am selfish and would more than anything appreciate recluse-ism.
Maybe I need a chnage of scene for a while, recently one of my friends keeps spouting out transphobic crap at any oppurtunities. First of all how can you be so fucked up when your in the "alternative scene", or wanting to be. When you have a I mean she called one of my friends behind my back a chick with a dick, to a group of friends. It still angers me to high heaven, I mean how can you pull double standard crap when you have a friend or friends who dress for androgyny

Im eating fine again, yesterday I had quite alot. Although I feel like such a tornado inside myself. I hate the fact Im getting bigger, but hate the conflict. Hate.

I've recently been purging quite a bit. But not in the same sense as before. Almost as a form of purging everything that I feel. Minor or Major. I finally realised maybe the health service of Britain can actually do something worth while. They diagnosed a friend with Bipolar disorder. I think it could have been seen coming. Possibly. Im so tired at the moment, of college everything. I want a holiday. And to see some old friends.

Gonna stop drinking for a few weeks.

Despite this being the happiest I've been for a long time, I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I don't go out, work has gone out the picture. My hair is short and shitty, wanna vomit...Im in the partially foul as this morning waking up still drunk with the alcohol shakes, and now almost two hours later with the worst hangover. Last night was the last time I've been out recently, the two days previous I'd been out drinking. I hadn't had as much fun. I drank a hell of alot.
 
I brought the teal back, my hair being so short. Im really considering cutting my hair once my right side has grown to the end of my ear. Bowl cuttttts.

Anywho, fuck this. I keep missing out words and I have a cig craving :|